A Day in the life of Nurse Wendy

Still here and still lovin it!

2010-03-03T04:43:00.001-08:00

It's been months since I've posted anything. It's not that I have nothing to say, quite the contrary but my life is so amazingly full. I just don't have much idle time for which I'm thankful. I love being a nurse. I love it even on the worst days. Everyone has their own definition of a "bad day" when it comes to nursing and honestly, it depends on my mood! LOL I have had some struggle recently with the way people treat us and had to "regroup". It's not that I'm above anything and I don't want my pride to motivate these words but I am a nurse. I am there to care for your physical well being as well as your emotional and in my heart, your spiritual. I don't mind bringing you that cup of coffee or extra crackers or even grabbing something for you out of your locker. But I do struggle with an attitude of " you owe me this". I am often prayerful throughout my day because I am constantly acutely aware of my standing before my Savior and that your soul, as my patient, is so important to Him. I am, however, human and believe strongly in good manners. Basic good manners. Period. I believe in saying please and thank you and have taught my children by example to be respectful of anyone in service to me, down to the teenage bagger at the commissary. I cannot believe I'm about to type these words but I was struggling to go to work for a couple of months and was devastated by this. It was then I got on my knees before the Lord and prayed for something I obviously don't have...strength. He endured the worst for us! He endured DEATH for something He didn't do! Funny when considering our society who is constantly preaching about "their rights" for whatever cause. And as always, He didn't let me down. I've started praying for HIS eyes and HIS mind for whatever situation arises at work with whomever and whatever behavior they exhibit. I still love love love being a nurse in spite of those trying moments. His grace is sufficient, especially for me while I continue to maintain a spirit of service and love towards others, no matter who they are, no matter what color or their behavior. He loved me that way and it is the least I can do.

Grasping the miracle

2009-06-13T05:28:00.001-07:00

It's finally hitting me, what my eyes beheld that night. A miracle. A true living miracle. As my body cleared of the emotion, I've been looking back in a technical sense. All I know is that my patient should not be alive. There is no medical explanation for it. But I don't live in a common sense world. I gladly and wholeheartedly give praise to my Creator. HER Creator. A miracle giver. A life sustainer. That's what HE is.
I'm grasping that I should not have been given the privilege of holding her hand the next day and crying with her a couple of days later. I'm grasping that in our common sense society, what happened to her doesn't make sense at all.
Although the tears have slowed down, my body's shock at what happened is still reeling, just not as fast. I have had people tell me over the last week who was in the room praying with me. True to the heart, people who get it, prayer warriors. Two of the physicians I know were praying. A fellow nurse with a heart for missions like me was praying. And a co-worker/friend/church member who "just happened to stop by for a visit" was praying as well. As I type this, I am in complete and utter AWE at His Grace. The perfect timing of my church friend stopping by as I was walking by the front window with medicine in my hand. I was able to yell at her to pray...please pray. I found out later, the other missions minded nurse said the same thing to our mutual friend.
WOW.
I know my patient grasps it as well because we've talked about it through tears in our eyes. God has a purpose and a perfect plan for her life. She knows. Her mother in law, a fellow nurse/co-worker grasps it as well. With tears in her eyes, we reminisced about that night a little. It's hard though. I don't like remembering but we need to. We need to see it for what it is....a miracle.
While we were working to save her life, when I was praying, I kept reminding myself that God is a good God...that His plans for her were perfect and that all I had to do was trust Him. I had to remind myself that if HIS choice was to take her to Heaven, He was still good. But there are no words to describe the elation of seeing Him sustain her life. Praise the Lord.
I never want to take one breath for granted. Before this moment in my life, I tried not to. But this was very powerful and I cannot imagine that I will ever be the same again.
Trust God! His ways are perfect. And He's just pretty awesome if I must say so myself.

What they absolutely cannot teach you in Nursing School

2009-06-07T04:04:00.001-07:00

I've wanted to blog about this since it happened but would not have been able to through the sobbing. What I didn't know was that your body and mind never truly grasps the severity of a situation. At least was the case for me. I never let go of hope. Never. In spite of 4 doctors standing in the room, a BP of 55/40, a new mother via c-section whose body was doing things I never sincerely imagined possible and live and yet I never accepted what could be. I just stood by her side praying. Watching every move every physician made and every other experienced medical person in the room. I did what I was told but mostly stood by her side monitoring the numbers and monitoring her. I couldn't cry but I wanted to. Our bodies are AMAZING. I never ever felt hungry in spite of not eating for many hours. I stood on my feet for 4 hours and it only started to bother me at the very end when she was stabilizing. I had an amazing physical strength to do what I was told for that entire 4 hours. To go where my legs needed me to go.
There was one moment when I breathed a bit deeper truly believing she was stabilizing and all would be well. I think we all did yet nobody was willing to leave the room. Then one last push on her fundus and it was over.....no more waiting. She would have to go back to the OR. Surgery is hard on a healthy body yet the hope never waivered and the prayers never stopped. I prayed for every detail I could think of. All the while standing next to the nurse anesthetists (yes two) and monitoring her fluids. My mind remained clear and focused as I moved in slow motion (at least in MY mind) amongst those around me who certainly knew what they were doing. "How did I get here?" I allowed myself to ask once. Only once because I had a job to do whether I wanted to be there or not. I did recognize it was an awful place to be for each of us, including especially her. My mind kept going back to her family and worrying about them worrying about her. I knew they were praying too. As the situation declined to a terrible level, I still wasn't willing to give up. I knew she wouldn't want to give up either. I kept fighting for her at the Throne of our Heavenly Father. The same ONE AND ONLY we both believed in.
The outcome is a miracle and OF COURSE I have tears as I type this. My body is still trying to get over all that happened that I cannot write about....so many horrible details that would help explain the tears. They cannot teach you in nursing school how to get over this. They cannot teach you how to stop the tears because the very heart that cries is the very heart that cares for the sick patient.
I'll never be the same again. It was one of those life changing moments that will never be forgotten and I've been told, thankfully, I will probably never have to experience again in my lifetime if we go by the odds.
Life is so precious and is not ours to give or to take. I cannot seem to get that through to others...how in one second it can all be over. It makes me want to scream but I won't. I know and will adjust my life accordingly.
I'm very very blessed to report I got to hold her hand and speak to her the next day. She is alive. Her body will heal. She told me thank you but sincerely, I cannot take credit. I've never seen such teamwork in action in my life. Everyone was willing to do what was needed. People made themselves available who should've gone home hours before. I was a smidgen of her care. I was allowed to be an instrument of prayer and supplication. So I'm going to let the tears fall as long as they need to for me to get past this. I am going to continue to give God the praise. And with confidence, I know I am here because it is where the Lord wants me to be.

Through New Eyes

2009-03-08T05:38:00.000-07:00

So I received a new set of eyes and understanding towards my patients and their behavior. This happened on Tuesday when I was admitted to the hospital for suspected heart failure/MI. (they weren't sure) One minute I was ambulating to the doc's office and the next thing I know, I am being slapped in a wheelchair and told I could no longer ambulate. I had to be wheeled across a parking lot and through the very hospital I work at. I soooo wanted to climb in a hole because everyone knows me. To make matters worse, I was also ordered to bedrest with bathroom privileges. ME? SIT DOWN? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Oh and then it was the fun little details....the nasal canula that was so uncomfortable. I had no idea. The medicines they threw at me without nary an explaination. I am thinking maybe that happened because I am a nurse and they assumed I knew. They tried to put nitro paste on me and that I didn't understand so I questioned it and was labeled rebellious.
Students were on the floor and wanted to do my IV/heplock. I would so be a hypocrite if I didn't let them. After the IV stick came the lab to draw my second troponin (that had been elevated the first time) and check my B-peptide for CHF. All this time, the nasal canula was driving me crazy.
About two hours after being admitted, radiology was at my doorstep to do my echocardiogram. Yayyyy, another trip around the hospital in a wheelchair so the whole JCMH world can say hi. I basically wanted to shrink away to nothing at this point.
Back to my room and my mom pops in to visit me. The assisted living decided they were going to leave her with me. We got to eat dinner together while visitor after visitor streamed through my room. I love being loved! And I got beautiful flowers that cheered me up. But I was ohhh so tired. After dinner, I got more visitors and finally at 9pm, got a silent room. I thought I would struggle to sleep but I did not. I dozed between my third set of cardiac enzymes and my vital signs an hour apart. Finally at 11 or so, I was out for a good solid 4 hours. It was bliss. The fun started again at 6am with an EKG and then the lab at 6:45. After that, I got a "bathroom shower" and changed my clothes, brushed teeth, etc. That did help my disposition. My new healthy heart breakfast arrived along with more visitors. The food was great and I was pleased at the amount I was allowed in spite of the low sodium. My sweet friend brought me my box of chai from my floor refrigerator so I also got to indulge in that because the sodium is low on that, thank the Lord!!
More visitors...then the doctor....I get to go home and see the cardiologist the next day as an outpatient. No, I cannot return to work until seeing the cardiologist. Yes, I need to go home and rest. Yes, I am still showing signs of edema but a lot less. I am still short of breath on exertion. But overall I feel improved, especially with the last two troponins being within normal range. What I didn't mention earlier was that if my troponin had gone up at all, I was being shipped to OK City for a heart cath. I tried to not think about that and enjoyed my visitors as my distraction.
I was thankful for the amazing caring staff of my hospital. EVERYONE was amazing. And I received new eyes. It will certainly help me be more compassionate and empathetic to the woes of my patients.

LPN graduation speech

2009-02-18T05:12:00.001-08:00

I had the privilege of being asked to be the keynote speaker at an LPN graduation at the local Vo-tech Center in town on February 12, 2009. I prayed and poured over my speech for days. I so much wanted it to be a blessing. I did struggle knowing my peers, my co-workers would be present and then they would know my heart. It's always hard to put yourself completely and open to the world. I understand many people were affected by it in a GOOD way....got a lot of good feedback. Praise the Lord!!!

I got to the podium and did a bit of ad libbing. I mentioned how glad I was that there were nurses in the room because I had just thrown about 3 PVC's in a row and was a bit lightheaded. Then I took a deep breath and was a little choked up when I thanked them for asking me to be there tonight. I did confirm the rumor that I had in fact cried at being asked. I told them all how beautiful they looked and how I never get over watching the graduates walk into the room. Then I began what was written.....I also know how difficult it is to have to listen to my speech when all you really want to do is graduate!! You want that diploma and pin in your hand!! I remember! But I also remember trying to soak in every event of my graduation evening. I encourage you to do the same! You earned this night. Your family and friends and classmates earned this night. So soak it all in! The one thing you can count on is that I was one of your greatest cheerleaders on the sidelines, wanting you to succeed. When your paths crossed mine and I smiled at you and asked you how you were doing, that was really me just rooting you on, waiting for you to make it to this night.
I know what it took for you to get here tonight. I know of the long nights of studying and the early morning before the roosters have even crowed, study groups. I know of the time you missed with family and friends where you yearned to be with them but you knew you had to spend time studying just to pass your next test. I am aware of the tears of frustration on the days you had to leave your sick child so you didn’t miss school, or the angst of leaving your newborn behind so you can finish what you started. I also know how you will never be the same again. I found a quote the other day and it reminded me so much of all of you. It is a definition of persistence. Persistence. Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not: unrewarded Genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone will bring success.
I know that you did not get here alone. Spouses, significant others, children, parents and friends of these ladies, you sacrificed as well. Please just know that the time that was taken from you was put to good use. It really was as hard as they said it was. Ladies, Look to your left and look to your right. Look in the audience and look to the platform. I want you to hold your head high and know you have achieved a great milestone in your life but I encourage you to be thankful for the team who got you there. For me, I am going to add the strength of the Lord to my team members. I am all that I am because of Him. You are going to walk away from this one year experience a new woman. You just accomplished one of the hardest things in your entire lifetime! You have probably received new eyes to see life and people in a different light. You have made deep sincere friendships with people you may have not given a second look to prior to school. You have cried tears together and had many laughs. I know this because I’ve heard the stories! You shared 4am phone calls to help each other get to your next goal in class. You’ve been part of a birth of two new babies and listened as your classmates endured the hardships of life while trying to pass nursing school. I still feel as if I can do anything just because I completed this LPN course.
I remember coming into your classroom a year ago and you looked so scared and so overwhelmed. I wish I could tell you that will go away because you are no longer a student but it doesn’t! The great thing though is that you are now equipped for those days. You have had the best instructors possible to teach you what you needed to know to start your nursing practice. You can trust what they taught you because I live it every day I clock in at work. They taught me to treat the patient as if they were my own family and that is an ideal I have not put aside. You are going to care for all walks of life. You are going to care for that man or woman who boasts about their relationship with the CEO of the hospital as soon as they walk into their room and you are going to care for the man or woman who hasn’t had a shower or a warm meal in days. You may hold in your arms a baby whose parents have walked out on them. You may also hold the hand of the man or woman who is taking their last breath and it is your voice they will hear as they enter into eternity. You need to make sure each patient knows that they matter to you, regardless. They deserve that and so do you after all the work you put into getting here.
Be excited about what you get to do! Being a nurse is just so cool! What we get to do is so cool! (ad libbed) Remember to smile! You set the tone! When you walk into a room, you are going to have people show you a respect and a reverence you know you don’t deserve but in their fear and trepidation, they are going to watch every move you make, every expression on your face and will listen to you with their eyes wide open. When you are doing an IV, remember that there was a day you couldn’t do that and had no idea what you were doing! When you are placing an NG tube or changing a bandage on a wound, remember what a privilege it is to be doing what you are doing. Revel in the joy in watching a patient leave doing well knowing you played a part in their care and their improving health. But also take to heart the responsibility you have in the patients’ care. Recall the voices of your instructor when there is a question. You are going to be faced with situations every day of your nursing career where you can choose to take a short cut or you can do what is right. I promise that in our nursing, sometimes we don’t get a chance to do it over right a second time. Sometimes the only chance we get is the first and only chance. I encourage you to always do what is right and best for the patient.
Because it is a privilege to be where you are today, there are certain responsibilities that come with it. Coming from a small community, you are going to be surprised at how many patients you will run into on your off time. You are still a nurse to them, even off the clock. Represent our vocation well. Allow your reputation to be flawless and be the kind of nurse your patients can trust, no matter what or when you cross their paths. Hold yourself to high standards. Choose to be a leader to your co-workers and to your community. Step up and be the kind of person anyone would want caring for their family. Be the kind of nurse, you would want caring for you.
Ladies, don’t let this moment be enough. Set goals for yourselves. Remember, our nursing does not affect just us but so many other people. Even if your final goal in nursing is to achieve your LPN, there is still much education that can be obtained in this career. Every bit of education is knowledge for you and knowledge is power. Knowledge helps you, the nurse, gain confidence which I promise, your patient will be able to sense. I cannot tell you how much more I enjoy my patient care knowing that if anything goes wrong, I have an understanding of my part in turning the bad around. That is not because I am now an RN, I have continued to receive education constantly even as an LPN since the day I left this school. In choosing to try to be a good example, I set personal goals. They may seem small to some but when I passed my ACLS class, I held my head so high! I was so proud to get my ACLS pin for my badge at work! My next goal was PALS and becoming a CPR instructor was the first professional goal I set for myself. After that, I set the goal of becoming a preceptor because I love to teach. I remember the thrill of learning something new. I wanted to be the catalyst for the next new nurse to learn. All of that was accomplished when I was an LPN.
There are a few lessons that hit me square in the face hard once I got my license. I thought I had to know it all. The greatest gift I received was the day I realized not one nurse does and that is OK! It’s ok to ask questions. It’s ok to ask for someone to come along to show you how to do a nursing skill you may not be as confident in. It’s ok to say, “I’ve never done this”. Give yourself permission to not know everything. I highly recommend being resourceful and finding out where the answers are contained but you don’t have to memorize them. Even now in the Recovery room on the weekends, when I know I will be alone, I take the time to find out who the House Supervisor is and let her know what I’m up to. I have her number memorized in case I have a question about my patient. I take time during downtime to brush up on my medicines and nursing skills. I will literally walk through the PACU in my mind, I go through the actions of certain skills to not forget.
I thought I was somehow not going to be affected by my patients emotionally. I naively believed I could put on my game face and could become someone else. I learned quickly and painfully that is not true. That has not changed my love of nursing, quite the opposite. There have been more than one occasion that I had to go around the corner and let my tears out and then put on my smile and go back in the room. I have sat on the side of the bed of a patient who was in her 40’s, just diagnosed with terminal breast cancer and cried with her. I cried during her last days when our paths continued to cross and we both knew she was going to die. I cried when just last month a lady I had been giving blood transfusions to for two years, also lost her fight to cancer. I still miss her and wish I could hold her hand one more time and hear her call me her angel, Wendy. I have learned to love and laugh and cry and hurt. I have learned that on most occasions to give my heart to the patient because that is how I best care for them. Just don’t be surprised when you fall in love over and over again with all walks of life.
Nursing is more than bringing a patient back to a healthy state physically. Sometimes that’s not the goal. It’s about holding their hand when they get bad news or are lonely. It’s about keeping the family informed so there are no surprises for them. It’s about being their advocate when the doctor just stopped by and used words they have never heard before. Its about bringing in their favorite dessert at the end of their life because you’re just so happy they want to eat or it’s about singing their favorite church hymn as they slowly, finally drift to sleep at night. It’s about bringing your patient a bag of bubble gum so he’ll never run out or a bunch of green onions they have been craving since they came in the hospital weeks ago. It’s about crying when you hear the poor prognosis or you are in the room when the doctor proclaims a new diagnosis of cancer that was totally unexpected. It’s not always about passing a medicine or performing a nursing skill. Sometimes, it’s just about listening. Being still and letting the patient talk. And I can tell you, even to this day, when I lose a patient I have taken care of, it hits me hard. I allow myself to cry.
Nursing is not just about the patient or the family either. As you learned this past year, it’s also about each other. You cannot do this alone. The absolute most profound life lesson I have learned in nursing is the importance of teamwork. I’ve been told and have seen with my own eyes the teamwork this class has had. I was so very impressed by that. When you see a fellow nurse having a real life struggle, take time to nurse him or her and hold her hand or give him a hug. Let them know you are there if they need someone to listen or take them a tissue when you see them crying. I’ve received two phone calls the last few months on SDS that made it difficult to concentrate for a moment and I needed a couple of minutes to compose myself. My wonderful co-workers literally swarmed me after one call and just took over. They didn’t even give me a chance to say yes. I cannot tell you what it meant to me to have a minute just to collect myself. The greatest words you can say to your co-worker are, “Is there anything I can do for you?” When you start that wonderful habit, it becomes contagious and others will come to you as well. Set your standard high and decide even now to be a leader in this area. I have worked on floors where teamwork didn’t exist at all and I’ve worked on floors where it is present every second. I feel like a better nurse when I have another nurse to put my head together with to get some answers in helping my patient get well. Put together a few nurses, you will hit the jackpot on behalf of that patient. Teamwork will become addicting and once you’ve experienced it in nursing, you will not be willing to settle for less.
Remember, this life is no longer about you. Just because you are no longer in school does not mean the learning stops, quite the contrary, you’ve only just begun. I’m sure you’ve heard at this point that you will learn more in the first six months as a new nurse than you did the last year of nursing school. You are also going to be taught nursing skills that are contrary to what you were taught here. The beauty of that is you get to choose. You get to set your own standard of nursing care.
Even on my worst days, I love what I get to do, what WE get to do. On the days that every patient comes into recovery room who isn’t breathing or their pain won’t get under control and I leave the hospital a complete zombie, I love nursing. On the days I know will be my last to take care of a patient because their life on earth is about over and I’m crying as I leave the building, I love nursing. And even on the days I am treated like a waitress, housekeeper, or maid, I love what We get to do. There is a Bible verse that my husband and I both live by, in Ephesians 4:1: I therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you that ye walk worthy of the vocation wherewith ye are called." I believe with all my heart that nursing is a calling on your life. It’s a tough calling, sometimes even painful, but a beautiful calling that can never be put into words. My prayer for you is that even on your worst days, you will love what we do.

Sometimes it's not about nursing at all

2009-01-31T04:19:00.001-08:00

I've had the privilege of having two different LPN nursing students follow me the last 6 weeks or so. I remember the days of being a student and doing my preceptorship with someone. I looked up to them and trusted them. I wanted my students to walk away and feel the same way about me because if they trust me in nursing, they will trust me with His Word.
I started with my second student last week and she was extremely different from the first. The first one was very focused on nursing and learning her skills. She is also a Christian so we fellowshipped often about the goodness of the Lord. She is a faithful church member and a confused wife whose husband sits at home. He has a colorful past and she is trying to do the right thing.
The second student claims to be a Christian and right away, poured her heart out to me. That always amazes me because I'm not like that at all and don't feel worthy to be anyone's sounding board...who am I?
Although I'm very focused on doing my nursing the right away, I caught on quickly that the second student wasn't with me to learn nursing. She was there for another purpose. She was with me to learn faithfulness in her relationship with Jesus which would then pour over to her relationship with her husband. He is also from a bucket of men I couldn't relate to. But God's Word could and our Creator loves him. I was able to encourage her in His Word...that no matter what actions our husbands have towards us, we are called to be their helpmeet. God doesn't say to submit if he acts a certain way or if he does or does not attend church. I shared some things the Lord had shown me that has helped my marriage be what it is today.
And I prayed for her immediately. That very day, I took her to the Throne. And the next and have not stopped.
She is still with me but her husband has been smiling this week and NICE TO HER! (amazing the power we have over their actions) They are spending time together and miracles are happening!!
I've come to understand my nursing isn't always about my patients or my co-workers. Sometimes it has nothing to do with nursing at all....but about the lives of those who will one day walk in my shoes.

Still Small Voice

2009-01-16T03:26:00.000-08:00

I always thought that if someone else in my family chose the medical field, I would be ECSTATIC! You know, jump up and down and all around, you put your right hand in you put your right hand out, etc.....but it didn't happen that way.
For almost a year, my husband suspected the Lord was taking us in a direction that we had no say so in. It wasn't our choice but we are wise enough to do what HE says and put aside our desires that could get us into trouble! Emotionally, it has been VERY DIFFICULT to watch what we truly sincerely believed was His will slowly fade away. It's moments like that though I am so thankful for a praying (and fasting) husband. I'm so thankful for a Holy Spirit that bears witness with us both at the same time. As many tears were shed over not going to New Jersey, there was a peace that is unexplainable. Even now, we get teary eyed thinking about not being allowed to go there, "yet".
In the meantime, hubby has retired from the Air Force and is a mere 2 semesters away from a Bachelor's Degree. He always knew he would finish those up as soon as he retired. That's where it stopped. Past that, we had no clue. No plan. No Word from our Heavenly Father. But there was also no fretting, no fear, little anxiety (and I mean LITTLE). We truly believed that if the Lord called us to stay in Altus, nowhere, Oklahoma that He would provide a way for us. In the meantime, our pastor is doing a year long theme of "faith". How appropriate! The sermons have spoken to us in a way we haven't felt in years. I honestly imagine the Lord sitting with us in our living room and just supping with us and encouraging us like a friend. Every single sermon.
So earlier this week my husband makes a proclamation. "I am going to go into nursing".
::DEAD SILENCE::.
"Ok, are you sure?".
Like, who am I to question this praying faithful man. We didn't really speak about it for a good 24 hours after that because I had a hard time digesting his news. There was no confetti, no marching band. Just a quiet presence. As I pray for him about it, the Lord reminds me, I am called to be Tom's helpmeet, NOT HIS HOLY SPIRIT. So the lip stayed shut, mostly. I wasn't feeling critical but confused. I wanted the same peace that Tom had about it, as if I had that right.
Thankfully, we sat together at lunch the other day and I felt liberty to just ask. "Why nursing baby?". Once he spoke to me, the peace came. The tears are coming. The excitement is mounting. The voice is speaking above a whisper when I share with people, "Tom has decided on nursing". The support has been overwhelming. He even shared with our pastor who was thrilled for him and I know people have already started praying.
"I get to be myself". "I cannot imagine another secular job that is so fruitful for the Lord". "I watch what you get to do and you get to be yourself. You do not have to hide your faith. You get to tell people about Jesus all the time. I will not have anyone breathing down my neck to keep my mouth quiet about the Lord. I get to minister to hurting and frightened patients. What better way to go than nursing. It's not something I want to do the same way you did but I do feel a peace about being called there".
So the journey is beginning. He has made it known publicly. The school knows and he has in his hands a degree plan and should be able to apply Spring 2010. I'm trying to be still. I'm trying to not be obnoxious or let my imagination run away with me. Tom is one of my favorite people and nursing is my favorite ministry. So the idea that we may be able to serve in that capacity together leaves me wanting to shout! And his heart. He is nothing like me. He is so patient and so loving. So soft spoken. A great teacher and a great student. From experience I know the journey is going to be trying and difficult but with all my heart, because I believe God's Word and I know Tom does too, he will do fine. He recognizes this isn't about him ...."I can do ALL THINGS through Christ which strengthens me"....and our favorite together is John 15:5..."without me ye can do nothing".

The Worst Day Ever

2009-01-11T03:13:00.001-08:00

That is not a complaint but a factual observation. But when things "go bad" as a nurse, those are also great learning times for me. We had two unstable patients come through the OR this week, the second one extremely critical. She was so bad we were holding our breath through the whole case praying she didn't die on the table. That translates to a lot of running around the OR and the hospital picking up medicines and taking blood to the lab a few times. It also means a lot of tension, loud voices, inappropriate expletives, you name it. It's easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of the moment but I did not forget to pray. I brought the Lord with me to work that day and kept him in the forefront of my heart the entire day when things were going badly. I also maintained my Christian testimony. When I was being yelled at or someone was yelling I did not react. I knew it wasn't personal. I wish I could write more details but due to privacy laws, I don't feel I can.
I don't want these kind of days every day but I was with the best anesthetist and the best physician and the best circulator for this day to have happened. Not only were they knowledgeable but they were also patient with the new girl-me.
It was also one of those days that was surreal. You train for years in school to know what to do. But you never want it to happen. As you are going through it, you cannot believe you have been put there. It's like I want to look around the room and say, "are you sure you want ME to do that?". Being the new girl, I still hesitate to 'jump in there" for fear of messing anything up but I stand by at a close proximity and wait to be told. I have no problem being directed to do anything...I'm just not a leader in the OR yet.
I woke up early this morning, still carrying this day with me and worrying about our patients. Wondering if they made it through the night. Wondering how the family is holding up. Was what we did for her good enough? I do believe there was nothing more we could've humanly done for her. I did ask the Lord to step in on her behalf and He did. I'm thankful for these opportunities to learn and feel badly they are at the expense of a patient's health. I can take yesterday with me forever and use it for the good of someone else. THAT is why I do what I do.

A great opportunity

2009-01-07T08:34:00.001-08:00

I was going to write about my day in the OR last week where I felt like Morphine Mama. I've never pushed so much morphine in my life. On top of that, I was sick with either a virus or the flu. I came home feeling HORRIBLE and worn out. I had to work with a new nurse anesthetist that pushed me to my limits with my patience level. I literally wanted to scream at him as he kept bringing me unmedicated surgery patients who were in so much pain. I wear myself out when a patient is in that much pain and being sick on top of it...did not make for a fun day. But even on my worst days, I love what I do.
I got an email yesterday asking me to do something that took my breath away! I was so excited, thrilled, scared, humbled, overwhelmed...all in one basket. I have been praying since day one to let my light so shine before all men...all women...all nurses. I want who I am to supercede who I am as a nurse. I don't want them to be separate...I desire to let my light so shine through my nursing.
Imagine my heart when I was asked to speak at a local nursing school graduation next month. Of course I cried. I couldn't believe they would ask ME! There are so many nurses in the area who are amazing and could do a great job. I don't deserve this opportunity but will run with it. I've started praying already....I told Tom I don't know how to talk about my profession outside of my faith but as we talked some more, I don't believe I'm going to have to.

Twisted Stomach

2008-12-29T05:29:00.000-08:00

I love what I do. Have you figured that out yet? I don't think many days go by that I don't thank the Lord for the privilege of my ministry. I don't go into a day without praying and asking the Lord to go before me...to give me HIS wisdom...and HIS strength. I never want those words to become just repeated words but I desire to speak them with my whole heart DAILY. This job is just too hard on my own. Truth be told, this LIFE is just too hard on my own.
So something happened to me I can tell you is rare for me. I am thankful for that but I was hit hard and am still thinking on it.
We had a patient break open her ankle and had to have surgery right away. When we arrived in the ER to pick her up, the ankle was covered with gauze but was soaked in blood. I was completely clueless what we were getting ourselves into, though, until we took her into the OR.
Once they removed her bandage, I had never seen anything like it in my life. And my reaction? WHOAAAA. I felt woozy. My stomach twisted and turned every possible way. I did what I could to help get her ready but I was very honest about my reaction. As we were prepping her leg and I had to hold her leg in the air, her ankle was crunching beneath my hand. I could no longer look at it but had to look away and go away in my head.
Oh, I didn't mention my heart. It broke. In half. Knowing that she was completely awake and congnitive of what had happened to her every second. I COULDN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT! Which made my stomach twist even more. I've learned my emotions are connected to my stomach and this moment was one of the most difficult.
I can only remember one other time in the last four years actually feeling sick to my stomach about anything. We take care of a lot of patients in our hospital and I do a lot of cleaning of body fluids, wound care, name it! So I was shocked at my reaction. I don't believe it had to do with the wound itself. I've seen tons of different surgeries without flinching. I can walk out of the OR and straight into the break room and eat. It was about what this patient had to endure.
The prayers started because it was going to take some gifted hands to repair what had happened. When the surgeon was flushing the ankle, the foot literally dangled. That was it. I was seriously worried about my stomach contents showing themselves. I retreated to my recovery room. (even as I am remembering, my stomach is doing the same thing again!!! ) I would peek my head in every so often seeing if they needed anything but avoided the sight of the ankle.
I rejoiced when at the end of the surgery, how beautiful it once again looked! I wonder if the surgeon ever thanks the Lord for his ability. It is definitely a miracle to see how using plates and screws, her ankle will be usable again after some healing.
I try to be loving to all my patients in Recovery room but I will confess, to feeling something special towards her. I spoke to her in a very soft and loving voice and was so careful to not add anymore bad to her day. I wanted our time together to be soothing and healing. I wanted her to wake up without pain. She had been through enough and I wanted her time with me to be a balm to her heart.
She did amazing and was actually ready for her room much sooner than I ever imagined. And guess what? She was not in any pain! I praise the Lord for HIS hand on her. I do know she had people praying for her. I waited while family said goodbye and heard their exclaimations.
What a privilege to be part of an answered prayer for someone else.

Nothing Special

2008-12-18T17:41:00.000-08:00

I just feel like I want to blog. I don't have one special moment in particular to share. I just want to praise the Lord! I've had so many special moments this week that right now, I am overwhelmed at their timing.
Open house was this week. FUN FUN FUN. Every department lays out a spread of food and you walk around the hospital with a plate or two, some eating along the way and fill 'er up! It's a blast to run into one another and try to find out where your favorite foods are located. DEFINITELY one of my favorite times of the year AND I didn't overindulge. I got one plate of food and it was just perfect.
I've had a new experience this week. I've had my very own student follow me around. I'm in heaven because I LOVE to teach. The bad thing about following me around is I have one of those systems only found in my head. I exhaust myself with the swiftness of my thoughts and plans. LOL I am forced to S L O W D O W N. :: sigh :: It's good for me, this I know. I finally just told her to grab hold of my coattails and hang on....because I'm not going to remember to grab her to take care of a patient. (Maslov's you know) I told her that if she saw me move, to move with me. If I see her there, I will teach her. If not, the show goes on.
I've had on more than one occasion someone from the LPN program in town mention to me a job opening at a particular perfect time in my life, that is if the Lord wills. As excited as I am at the prospect of teaching,(like little kid clapping my hands and jumping up and down in place excited) I have to stay focused on what HE may want me to do. The position isn't open for a year and a half and I've already started praying...started talking to hubby...What I don't want is to be a hindrance in any way to what the Lord has in store for us. I know how important it is for our husbands to please us (there is just way too much power in that for me..I pray for the Lord's discretion there) But I do have a gift of teaching. Whether I'm good at it or not, I love it!
I worked in Recovery room today and had a blast! It's a challenge for me to work there...it's not a job I can do in my sleep and keeps me on my toes. Add a student to the mix, I S L O W E D D O W N a lot. We ended up taking care of a vent patient that we flew through the hallways with from OR to ICU. My job was merely to monitor the vitals for 30 minutes. I felt a little silly standing there but I had an eager student who wanted to learn, and there is only so much room. But at the end of the day, I still find myself in Same Day Surgery. A type of balm to my vigorous day. These ladies are amazingly wonderful human beings. They are all wonderful nurses who have chosen a place of nursing that isn't necessarily challenging at all times but is important to our community. We have a boss who allows us to be wives, moms, and daughters first. There is NEVER a battle to pick your job over your family and she makes it so wonderful to work there. My family needs me to work there and make that my main nursing home of employment for now. We said goodbye to my mentor today who is moving to another place of employment across town. We threw a creative going away party for her. I can't imagine nursing without her by my side. Our floor also collected money for one of our own. It was AMAZING to see the look on her face when she saw how much was there. I am NOT bragging because it was a team effort but it is a GREAT feeling to be part of a great team. Now she has money to buy for her babies for Christmas.
Then there were so many moments of laughter. Moments where I harassed my coworkers for this or that and the times I gave the docs a hard time after I found out they were younger than me. For some silly reason, that got to me! They got a kick out of it too and we all went to town picking on one another about that. I learned from one of the docs that he wouldn't take his journey again if given the chance. It gave me peace that being a mom first is the best choice of all.
I know there is no theme in place here. Cept I love what I do! Simple as that!

Bigger Than Me

2008-12-11T20:09:00.000-08:00

Today, God showed Himself to once again, be much bigger than me. I am speechless at the constant gifts he brings into my life through my nursing.
Death does not frighten me. Instead, I consider it a privilege to be with someone when they are near to death as much as I consider it a privilege to be near a birth. Both are ordained by the Lord and the timing is completely out of our hands. Yes, we can guestimate based on physical evidence but the moment is not ours to decide. And when someone KNOWS their eternal destination and we've talked about it and they've confirmed it with me, there is a JOY in being there as well.
I've watched the last few weeks as my patient who called me Yankee Doodle deteriorate physically because of metastatic cancer. Every single day she had been at the hospital since my last post about her, I was working as well. I wasn't always her nurse but the staff where I worked gave me liberty to be in her room as often as I could. We held hands a lot, we cried some, we laughed still. I gave praise every time I got the chance to see her because it was obvious it would all come to an end soon.
Finally, this last Tuesday, it came to a snail pace. Her appearance was shocking and I had to seriously take a huge deep breath and suck back the tears yet she continued to watch me and get my response to her, "I'm not doing so well am I Wendy?". Hope. As long as there is breath, we never take away their hope. So I left her with the hope that maybe the blood products we were giving her would help her feel better. She shook her head, OK. "Please pray for me" she would say. Oh I had prayed! And could look her in the eye with that as well. I sat with her for a good hour and counted it such a privilege once again to be able to be this kind of nurse. I got to hold her hand and sing songs about Heaven to her. We talked about the street of gold and her very own mansion. We talked about how there is no cancer in Heaven. She just laid there and listened but she DID listen and she told me she loved me when she got in the car. Her daughter told me the next day that her eyes had not opened for awhile until she heard my voice that morning. Humbling. Honor. I don't deserve this.
Today I felt impressed to stop by her home, after speaking to her daughter. I was able to take one of my favorite nurses/people who has also had a heart for her and held her hand. We took about ten minutes and sat by her bed. We talked to her once again about not fearing but looking forward to no more cancer and the street of gold and her very own mansion. It's a story, an ending, I never tire of sharing. She kept moving her mouth like she was talking but there was no sound coming out, not even a whisper. I knew she could hear us though because her eyes were open and once in awhile, she would shake her head.
I knew I was coming to say goodbye. I knew the end was near. I kissed her forehead and told her I loved her. Then I heard it, just a whisper, but it was there. "I love you too". Then I told her I would see her again. That is MY hope today. That when my heart hurts for the family and even at my own loss of this person, I have assurance that when my time comes, I will have the privilege of seeing her again.
At 8pm tonight, her battle on earth is over. She is cancer free. She is able to walk again and on THE street of gold. She has already, I'm certain, moved into her own mansion that was built by the very One Who died for her, our Jesus. Her daughter called me and I was so thankful to know because she had been so heavy on my heart. I'm smiling though, knowing I will never have to stick her with another IV or give her another pint of blood. She is now whole again.

Yep! I get to do that!

2008-12-07T04:24:00.000-08:00

Those were the words I told my co-worker and former classmate as I was calling report from the Recovery Room. I had a patient who came into me intubated but breathing on their own. I remember the first couple of times that happened, I was almost paralyzed with fear. Seriously! And even now, when I get someone still pretty sedated, I pray and ask for the Lord to guide my hands to do the right thing. Bad timing equals re-tubing a patient. Bad Ju Ju!
So my friend "J" goes, "So you get to extubate them down there?!!"
"YEP"
"REALLY?!, that would be so cool"
then I whisper into the phone so the patient doesn't hear me.
"but J, it scares the crap out of me!" and he laughs.
But I went on to explain to him that when you continue to get experience in it, it gets better.
After taking the patient upstairs and having a few minutes to myself, I was pretty cheesily excited to realize what I was able to do ON MY OWN (ok, in a physical sense, I ALWAYS pray for the Lord's wisdom). I was able to hook up a patient's NG tube to suction as well as extubate him without causing him harm. He had a pretty big surgery and it's always a great sense of accomplishment when they are stable enough to be moved out of the Recovery room. I don't take that for granted either, EVER.
The next patient came in and needed to be suctioned to open up their airway after I had removed their oral airway. I managed to hook it up as well and take care of her airway. I didn't have to ask for help. I didn't panic. I took an extra second to think through the suction connection and away I went!
OK, I admit it. I left the hospital walking on air because of what I did today without asking for help. I praised the Lord walking to my van because both of my patients were able to leave me in stable condition. I praised the Lord that I get to be a registered nurse and get to take care of the people of my town. I also praised him for my nursing ability. I also praised him because Yep! I get to do that!

Yankee Doodle

2008-11-21T03:42:00.001-08:00

I am writing this blog more for me to remember but never mind sharing my love for my patients either.
We have had a woman coming to Same Day Surgery for years to get blood transfusions because of having cancer. When I first had her, I heard the comments about her and trudged through them to give her good care. It was easily a year ago if not more.
When I walked into the room for the first time and started talking she made the comment, "Oh, you're a yankee". I'm certain knowing me and my expressive face that I had a shocked look because I never heard it put quite that way! Being inquisitive, I took the time to ask what she meant by that. After visiting with her for a few minutes, she shared with me she had a home health nurse (who I had once upon a time worked with) who was very crass and blunt with her and it really bothered her. I left that conversation with, "Well, at the end of your day with me today, I promise you that you will know that not all yankees are the same". We had a good laugh.
That was the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Yes, she was demanding but aren't we when we demand our way with the Lord and get frustrated at His choices for us? There were some times I would have to pray harder to continue to let my light shine to her because of my weak flesh but not so much anymore.
There is one special day I want to always remember. It was this past birthday in 2008. I had to work that day and anyone who is growing older can attest, birthdays just aren't what they used to be! This particular day, this patient got added onto our schedule for another transfusion. She fell into my lap once again. As I was checking her ID band and talking to her about what we would be doing, I noticed we shared the same birthday. The next thing I know, we are having our own personal birthday celebration in her room with singing and even birthday cake. I even topped the evening off with a special birthday meal before I went home. Our duet was beautiful of course and had the nurse's station laughing with us.
Fast forward less than two months and my friend is failing fast. Just last week she got added on again and her numbers were horrifying. Our relationship is comfortable now. When I walked into her room last week she said, "There's my yankee doodle girl". And we always review out loud that in fact, not all yankees are the same. We get a good laugh and I prayerfully give her good care. We had to give her a lot of blood products which meant I spent a lot of time in her room. I was amazed at the Sovereignty of the Lord that day. She needed me in the room as much as she needed the blood products.
During the transfusion, I was sitting right next to her bed and she grabbed my hand and teared up. She said, "Oh Wendy, I'm so glad you are here with me today." I told her I was glad to be with her too and that I had asked to be her nurse. That put a huge smile on her face in spite of the tears. She shared with me that the doctors could do nothing more for her cancer and that it had actually spread to her bones. The look on her face broke my heart and my tears fell with hers. We just sat in the quiet for a few minutes holding hands. I was quietly praying for the wisdom of the Lord, to say exactly what she needed to hear to be encouraged.
He is faithful.
I was able to remind her that no matter what curve balls this life throws at us that the outcome is Heaven. I was able to look her in the eyes to reassure her that because of her faith in the Lord Jesus as her Savior, no matter what happened, we had eternal life with the very One Who died for us. She cried even more and thanked me saying she needed to be reminded of that. I needed to be reminded as well.
We had her again just a couple of days ago. She was even more quiet and the only thing she really wanted was warm blankets. I wasn't her nurse but came into her room as often as I could. When she saw me she said in her weak voice, "There's my Wendy, my yankee doodle girl". Her daughter told me that she's heard a lot about Wendy the last week. What an honor I can never put into words to mean that much to someone because of the very calling the Lord put on my heart.
I have tears pouring down my face as I type this because I believe she will not be on earth much longer. I will miss the character building the Lord used her for in my life. I will miss her holding my hand and being open with me and allowing me to share my faith openly with her. I had typed my cell phone number in her cell phone under "Wendy Yankee Doodle" and am almost certain she won't have the strength to ever call me. But she knows and of course the Lord knows what this woman has meant to me. When I left her the other day I reminded her that I was would no longer be a military transplant in the Altus area in just a few short weeks that I had chosen to live here on purpose. That made her smile.
So nope, not all Yankees are alike.

Some encouraging Words from my other half

2008-11-18T02:03:00.000-08:00

A year ago I was in RN school and struggling so badly that I had a meltdown emotionally believing I couldn't do it any more because it was so hard--so much so I questioned my calling. I came across this email this morning from my husband that day(Nov. 16th, 2007). It was a turning point as well....and I didn't struggle after that because I let it all be in HIM.

My letter to Tom :
Thank you so much for taking the time to encourage me today. I love you so much. As I was cleaning up the kitchen, I came across my stethoscope and it reminded me of who I already am and what God called me to do. Then I started thinking of you and what in our home would define your heart...and then I realized in a sea of mixed emotion that soon the flight suit would get put away because now, it is His Word. You will soon be "offically" training to be one of HIS. A Paul. A Timothy. A Pastor Shorter. A Pastor Hammett. A Pastor Hawn. And then I took my stethoscope and wrapped it around our family Bible and took a picture. I think you love me enough to not say out loud that was silly but it was a vision God gave me today. We are becoming who we are because of HIM. HIS calling, not our own. When I am in some precarious situations at the hospital, I do it all because of HIM. When we are dealing with people we love and have crossed our paths but continue to do their own thing in spite of God's Word, we continue on our path because of HIM. God showed me today our changing paths...and to hold on....forever on earth our life isn't going to be easy but it will always, forever, be worth it. Literally forever.
I love you beyond words.

Tom's letter back to me that day:
I don't think you're silly. I actually think that was a brilliant thing that God showed you this morning. Perhaps, if you could get the picture framed properly, you could use it for the backdrop of your webpage. It would tell the world, in a split second, who and what you are. You are a healer and care-giver for God; a minister of healing, both physically and spiritually, for any patient that comes under your care. That's one of the reasons that it bothers me that the medical profession is insisting on calling patients, clients. They're not clients, like a lawyer would have or an accountant. They are patients; people you have to be patient with because they are hurting, and so are their families. You serve a vital purpose in God's plan for reaching the lost and dying world... the lost, dying, and hurting world that He sent His son to save. Not all patients are going to be physically healed, but all can be spiritually healed, and who better to ad-minister that injection of God's word into their wounds so they can heal? In order to do that, though, you are going to endure, and have endured, a level of pain that you cannot bear on your own. Your reliance on Christ is the only thing that is going to bring you through this tough time. It has to be that way, because if you were able to do it on your own, then it would be YOUR ministry, and YOU would receive the accolades for what you accomplish. Hold on to your desire to please him, and open your eyes and ears to see what it is that He's trying to teach you. I know you are trying to do that, but God doesn't call us to try. He calls us to DO. Keep doing your best, and keep giving him the praise for the victories. Look for his lessons in the failures, and you WILL succeed. You know better than anyone on this earth what I have gone through, and it's been painful, but growth hurts. Everything God does to teach us and cause us to grow hurts. Failures hurt, but God has a purpose in those failures, and deserves our praise for teaching us and reminding us about our inability to do anything with out him. Remember, Jesus said, "... For without me, ye can do NOTHING." Nothing is what we'll succeed at if we do it on our own, and nothing is what we'd be without Him.

I love you!

Not just an organ

2008-11-16T04:04:00.000-08:00

I knew coming in yesterday that we had three surgeries on the schedule and it would be a packed day. I knew I would come home exhausted but that I would also learn a lot. What I was not expecting was that our 2 hour surgery would turn out to be a 6.5 hour surgery.
As I was standing at the foot of the operating room bed, watching the surgeon try to resection a colon, and be unsuccessful at it because the cancer was too bad, it hit me hard. This was not a colon resection but a patient with a life. A patient who when I talked to before the surgery had hopes of a certain outcome because they have a job and a loving family. As I stood at the end of the operating room table my heart got very heavy as I realized this patient's future lied in our hands. I watched for hours as the surgeon worked skillfully and with great effort to do the best he could for the patient.
Yet I will confess to loving the surgeries. I love learning. I love watching the surgeon work and learn what he is doing. I love when anesthesia calls me over and asks me to help or answers my questions. I love it. But yesterday was different. As the hours ticked by, my heart got heavier for this patient. I knew when they left us, they would never be the same again. I had the privilege of updating the family from time to time. The last time I updated them was so hard and I ended up having tears in my eyes as I spoke to them. Today I felt like a nurse rather than an OR junkie. I am crying as I type this now.
About three hours into the surgery I became very ashamed when I realized I was still being caught up in what was going on and never talked to the Lord about it! I confessed my sin and asked for the Lord's hand to guide the surgeon. I continued to pray for the patient's stability and when they finally arrived in my recovery room, I felt such a peace in spite of them being the worst patient I had ever cared for. I knew the Lord's hand was on them. I knew the Lord's hand was on me.
I learned a valuable and very necessary lesson today. I learned that the patient is not the name of the surgery....they are not "the gallbladder" or "the below the knee amputation" or "the total hip" even though that is how they are referred to in the OR to keep us focused. They are the "scared man who is a dad and a grandad who is a farmer who has a diseased gallbladder that needs to come out who attends the Baptist church in his town". I needed this today because I know I struggle with the thrill of the OR and at times get caught up in it. I never want to lose sight of my purpose there, to minister using my hands and my heart...to let my light so shine before men.

Selfish Saturdays?

2008-11-02T20:12:00.001-08:00

I am hoping my blog doesn't come across like I'm contradicting myself by stating I do what I do for the Lord and then when you read my Saturday in the OR posts, I rarely write about reaching out to others for Jesus. (at least in the OR) I will confess that I love the OR. I love the surgeries, challenge, the environment, the teamwork, on and on. I will confess that working in the OR does have a small flavor of "doing what I want to do" but you should know that I do nothing without praying. Once I have prayed, I check with my husband. It's one shift a week and it's on Saturday which rarely affects my family. Alex is normally gone most of the day at the church and hubby is usually busy doing schoolwork or playing on his computer. For months now, it has rarely been a 'family oriented day". Having said that, please also remember that the patient is normally sedated pretty immediately upon arriving to the OR. I have made it a point of being the one to pick up the patient and always pray for an opportunity to visit with him alone but their anxiety level by the time they get to me is through the roof. When i'm doing an IV and get it, I will verbally tell them I thank the Lord for it. I do want you to know that I also pray for my co-workers. There are a handfull that know the Lord...and all of them know I love the Lord. I have one co-worker who is very protective of me and if the OR gets out of control, she'll tactfully bring up where I go to church or subtely weaves in my testimony. Precious times yet she is lost. On Saturday, I have tried to have a good testimony by serving my co-workers. I try to go above and beyond to be part of all they are doing, not only to learn but to build a trusting relationship with them.

There should be nothing in our lives that we do without trying to reach others for Jesus and keep that in the forefront of our minds and hearts at all times.

A Miscellaneous Kind of Day

2008-10-25T18:57:00.000-07:00

Today was my usual day in the operating room/recovery room. There was one glitch though...no surgeries to start my day! I went into work anyway, which my boss allows me to choose, and did some cleaning. Cept there is only so much of a recovery room one can clean. Specially when someone else does it too on their down times. I did take the time to go on an equipment treasure hunt since other floors like to horde our PCA's and SBC's.
Then I get asked, "Can you DC a TLC?". That is trilumen catheter which translates to a central venous line and only RN's can DC them. Cept one problem. I've never done it before. I HATE saying no though, when I'm needed somewhere so I looked around and found someone willing to talk me through it. There was a catch of course. The patient had MRSA in her blood. So we had to suit up like aliens but I didn't mind! And off it went without a hitch and the patient was wonderful about it.
Now I'm back in the cave and I'm studying a PACU textbook. I don't want to "get paid to do nothin" so I was trying to be productive since remember, there is only so much to clean. Then I hear the call overhead,
"Code Blue to ICU" "Code Blue to ICU". I didn't feel panicky but I did hesitate and question whether I should go. It only lasted maybe 2-3 seconds but those are seconds I should have just gone without question, specially since my other choice was to keep reading a textbook and I am, after all, ACLS certified. (big whoopdie doo dah, by the way) So as I stand in front of the ICU doors, punching the button to go in, I consciously take a deep breath before entering and prayed. I find where the code is and ask, "what can I do to help?". Those situations are always great learning moments and as I grow, I'm learning just to jump in without being unsafe.
Now the Code Blue is over and now I feel like I'm in the way as the family comes in and talks options with the ICU staff. I sneak away and start reading some nursing magazines, which by the way, really is a help to me.
The entire time I'm in the OR, I contemplate leaving knowing that at any second I could get called right back for a surgery. So at around 1pm, I'm giving serious thought about putting myself on call when the telephone rings and BINGO! We have a hip fracture. On goes my pink breast cancer awareness surgery cap and away I go to retrieve our hip fracture. It happened to be with probably my favorite doc in the whole hospital because he is always respectful of the nurses and even when frustrated, keeps his voice to a dull roar. He comes in with his cowboy hat and cowboy boots and says, "So Wendy, what are we waiting for?" "ummm, the other staff Dr. G? It might go smoother that way!".
The patient did great and Saturdays are getting better each weekend. There is always a lot of laughter in the Operating Rooms and a lot of learning on my part. I just keep thanking the Lord for these moments.

Preparing my Heart for Another Day

2008-10-22T06:12:00.000-07:00

As I was getting ready for work yesterday morning, I thought it would be fun to share what I do before I ever step foot into my job at the hospital.
When I open my eyes, whether it be via the Lord waking me up or the alarm clock, the first thing I do is start to pray. I usually am up by 0430 on work days. I have learned the hard way that it is stupid of me to try to anything on my own. I thank the Lord for my salvation because it is that very gift that motivates every moment forward. I thank Him for His Word and His mercy and grace and forgiveness. I move to my husband as I start to wake up even more, still lying in bed. I pray for the Lord's protection over him and the strength to be who he needs Tom to be before others. I pray for the heart and the eyes of Jesus to love my husband in a way that would honor the Lord. I pray for my boys and their relationship with the Lord and for protection about them as well. My pastor is next and his family. Each day I pray for different people as the Lord leads....missionaries on my heart, church families on my heart, marriages on my heart. Out of bed I go to get a glass of ice water and onto my Bible. I read a little (NEVER enough) and then I get ready for my day. I pray for coworkers and my effect on them and being a light that so shines.
As I'm ironing my uniform, I praise the Lord for yet another opportunity to serve my community and I pray for opportunity to tell others about Jesus but at a minimum, to invite them out to church. THAT happens often, praise the Lord. I pray for the Lord's strength, wisdom, and discernment in all my choices. I pray for the Lord to go before me and give me His attention to details as I care for my patients. I often pray for the surgeon's hands which opens doors for the anxious patients.
As I'm riding up on the elevator I purpose in my heart to smile, no matter what. That smile defines me and has for years. When my face is lacking my smile, others notice and it bothers them. I want them to see the joy of the Lord on my face and in my actions. When I go into a patient's room, I mentally and spiritually prepare myself as I'm walking down the hall. At that point, I have already "studied them" and know their medical history. Through my physical assessment, I can ascertain their mental and spiritual health as well. About 80 % of the time I can find out what church they attend and often invite them to mine.
There are days, however, that my job takes all my mental energy to deal with and those are the days although I'm grateful to be able to have the knowledge to care for my sick patients, I miss the time I have to visit with them and get to know them. Then I pray for the Lord's hands as I help to make them better.
As I sign my name throughout the day on various places, I thank the Lord Jesus for every RN I get to sign. I never want to take for granted that I have reached that goal. My next goal is to use it however He leads for the only reason to do anything...to bring others to Christ.
As I ride down the elevator after my shift, I often find myself leaning up against the wall sighing relief because another day is done. As I walk to my car, I consciously praise the Lord for that day and the patients He gave me. I start to pick up my step a bit because I know in a few short moments, I will be walking in my front door of my home, my sanctuary, hearing the best words in the world. "Baby! You're home!" and "Hi Mama! How as your day?!" I share with them a little and the rest of my life goes on. My favorite part....

A Glorified Waitress

2008-10-17T04:10:00.001-07:00

Being a nurse is one of the hardest jobs I've ever done. It's like motherhood...it's amazing, wonderful, frustrating, terrifying, joyous, frightening, exhilarating, all wrapped into one sandwich. And as much as I've wanted to be a nurse my ENTIRE ADULT LIFE, like motherhood, nobody can put it into words until you experience it. Then is SCARES THE LIFE OUT OF YOU. Ok, seriously. Most days. :-)
But Wednesday was different. First of all, I was asked to work a different shift to cover for a nurse on vacation. If it's within my means, I will say yes because my boss is so incredibly good to me. So I was already a little "off". (I'm such a schedule person") I had just found out my brother was getting married and didn't tell me. (on my parents anniversary) I was holding back the emotions from finding that out.
Then along comes Mr. "I'm going to argue with you about every thing you need me to do today". :: sigh:: This is exhausting on a good day. On Wednesday, I had to hide in a room and just cry it out because I couldn't believe it. These days are rare, granted, but I was happy to be going home at the end of my day.
Where I work is ELECTIVE SURGERY. That means it is not a matter of life or death, you have CHOSEN to come to my place of work and get operated on. YOU, the patient, SIGNED THE CONSENT under no duress. And I spent years getting my nursing degree and sacrificing too much time away from my family just to pass.
So then I get Mr. "I am neighbors with the hospital CEO and we want you to know". :: sigh:: That just about did me in emotionally because if you know me...I am going to be good to anybody that is sent to me. It doesn't matter what color, odor, sex, or age. I love what I do. I do it for Jesus, and my heart's desire is to love everyone like He would. I even pray for HIS EYES and HIS HEART before starting my shifts.
The second patient and his family had an "air" about them. It didn't scare me, it made me angry. Once again, had to step out and push back the tears. On this particular day, I had yet to feel like a nurse. At this point, I was a glorified waitress. (I am not above any job, I have cleaned bathrooms for a living once upon a time, by the way) The second patient couldn't be worked on because I was taking so much time getting him this drink, that drink, this napkin. Then when I went to start his IV, his wife acted put out that I was interrupting his salad by needing his overhead tray to work. ARE YOU SERIOUS? "Smile, just smile" are the famous words of my co-workers that I OFTEN mumble to myself. But when I went to do the IV, ONE TRY BABY! And all the sudden, I walked on water with Mr, "I am neighbors with the hosptial CEO". I also got a chance to share with him that I prayed before doing the IV so thank the Lord it went so smoothly. (I am, afterall, a daughter of the most high King FIRST) By the end of that fiasco, I was smiling (thank you, Holy Spirit) and asked for the patient the next day. My boss asked why? I told her I needed an attitude adjustment and he was just the one to do it. She didn't really understand but did it for me anyway. I have to remember Who and What Jesus did for me and I need to be able to convey that to the people I care for. I was so frustrated at my reaction...it wasn't out of pride (I don't think) but I shed way too many tears because of the way I was treated.
But guess what? This man comes strolling into my floor yesterday going, "Wheeeerrsssse Wendy"? I just kept smiling and decided I would do whatever it took to let my so shine today. Thankfully, though, I felt more like a nurse today.

7 things

2008-09-17T20:55:00.001-07:00

I wasn't sure where to post this, whether in the Nurse Wendy side or Ruth's Corner...so it's going here because so much of who I am has to do with nursing. I got this from another blog I read, Confessions of a CF Husband.....about stating 7 things about ME that is not well known...at least outside my circle of friends.

1. I am a huge cat lover and own 4 of them.

2. My favorite drink besides water is Starbucks iced chai

3. My dream and hopefully what the Lord's will is for me to go on the mission field as a nurse.

4. I do not believe dating is scriptural and we have taught a more conservative route to our boys.

5. I love surgery and could probably live in the OR as long as someone threw me a meal once or twice a day and my family stopped by. LOL

6. I wish I had more time in my life to become a surgeon but time is short and I don't want to spend it stressed and in school.

7. My husband and I almost divorced 3 times but by God's grace are going on 20 years!

Gaining confidence

2008-09-14T05:12:00.000-07:00

A difficult part of my nursing life is gaining confidence in what I do. There is a fine line though, between confidence and becoming complacent. I never want to be that complacent nurse who forgets to look at details.
I had my first Saturday in OR and it was very different than during the week. I'm going to really love it though because it puts me in close contact with my coworkers. Sometimes I forget my outreach is also to them.
Although I love my Saturdays in PACU (recovery room), I still get nervous around certain nurses. NOT because they treat me badly, but because they are so good at what they do. Yet, they are so patient with me as I learn. On the inside though, I am trembling because I want so badly to have a good testimony in all areas of my life. That is not pride motivating me because I will make mistakes but I want to be trusted.
Not only do I get to be a PACU nurse after the surgery, the staff allows me to come into the OR and help set the patient up and I am welcome to watch the surgery if I want to. I LOVE THAT! Once again, I don't want to feel in the way though and I struggle with the helping part.
I got to see the doctors act like babies today and it was hilarious. It no longer makes me want to cry when they snap at me, I am thinking on the inside, this is ridiculous but I'm here to serve them too.
I came home exhausted yesterday. The kind of exhausted where you can barely walk and you beg your husband to drive you to get Taco Bell cause you cannot fathom standing on your feet another second but you lay down in bed with a smile because you learned so much today. I also got to share my homeschooling testimony which touched one of the nurses I worked with. She is one of the few who encouraged me and praised me, which I gave it right over to the Lord for the praise.
Thank you, Lord for this opportunity to serve so many in my community and for my supportive family who love me and ask me how my day went...and really listen. I am so blessed! I can't wait to see what next Saturday holds!

Sometimes it's not about nursing at all

2008-08-19T19:49:00.000-07:00

LOLOL I'm laughing just remembering the silly thing that happened today that stands out above the others. I had a patient request a cup of coffee. *sigh*. I hate coffee. I have no idea if my coffee is any good but off I went to try to be hospitable. I scoop the three scoops of coffee into the filter and sit it on the counter, enjoying the smell of coffee at least. Then I poured the water into the BUNN coffee maker and turn it on. All the sudden, the water is pouring down on the outside of the coffee pot. "Why is it doing that? What's going on?" "Look at it!" and my voice is squeaking because I don't know whats wrong with the coffee pot. Within seconds, HF, a new nurse to our floor (but not new to nursing), has her head next to mine. After a few seconds of investigating the mess, she exclaims, "you might want to put the coffee filter in there!" LOLOLOL OHHHH YEAAAAA. So I quickly grab the filter from the counter and shoved it in the coffee pot. What a mess I had created! LOL
I'm always amazed at how educated people have no common sense. I'm throwing my hand up in the air about that one! This is one of the many stories in my life that cause me to stand back and wonder how in the world I get along in life. LOL Give me a test, any test, I'll ace it! Common sense though? Still looking around for that at times!

A no matter what type of day!

2008-08-17T05:50:00.000-07:00

I've often said that every single day of my life that I get to be a nurse, I love it, NO MATTER WHAT THE DAY HOLDS.
Thursday I worked on Same Day Surgery and I ended up nicknaming it "Rude patient day" because WOW! I was appalled at the behavior and bad manners of many of our patients that day. I am NOT putting nurses above others but I am talking about basic human decency to others.
One poor nurse got punched at a couple of times and the doctor actually had to hold him down and tell him to knock it off and to be nice to the nurses. HOW RIDICULOUS.
Another nurse, SH, got the rude patient of the day. I understand that by the time you get to us, you are hungry and irritable, I get that. But wow. You are having an elective surgery, nothing life threatening and yet we are treated like DOGS when the patients don't like the rules. That same patient was so rude to his wife while we were in the room and while I was doing his IV, I had the pleasure of hearing a few choice words. Those are the times my flesh wants to scream, STOP BEING A BIG BABY! But I keep hearing the voice of my boss, J, 'just keep smiling'.
One last incident was a patient who has 11 children. Only one of those 11 was by her side that day and NONE of them would stay with her for the night. Her one daughter was very specific when we talked to her about it, "I am NOT taking her home with me and staying with her tonight". That was mentioned more than once. When a patient has nobody to care for them, they have to stay the night per hospital policy. Funny thing was, before the surgery, she supposedly had someone to care for her. Then they turned around and lied to our faces that their nurse never mentioned it to them. Although we knew the truth because we had another nurse in the same room they had forgotten about, we still have to KEEP SMILING and make arrangements that took two extra hours to make.
But I do love it. In spite of the ornery patients and the bad manners, they do not exceed the joy of nursing someone back to health and sending them home. It doesn't exceed the joy of having the knowledge to keep someone alive when something bad happens. I'm so thankful for what I get to do and for the open doors the Lord provides for me to often at least invite people to church. Sometimes I get to do and say more.
I'll just keep nursing for my Jesus, no matter what!

Fast and Furious

2008-08-02T16:41:00.001-07:00

One of my dream places as a nurse has always been OR. I LOVE the environment, what they do, the teamwork, etc.
Imagine the THRILL of being hired to do a special Saturday only crew for the Recovery room. Right now I'm in training and honestly had no idea what I was in for. The first day was so overwhelming I couldn't think when I left. I've caught on but it never slows down and I learn SO MUCH. I've had my first life or death situation that if we didn't treat the situation right, the lady would've died. I couldn't believe I was standing next to her bed holding her airway open. Just the week prior, we had a special class for new RN's about vents and bipap. I have enjoyed the new classes and fortunately, asked a lot of questions because I ended up needing to know for this patient. I was THRILLED to put my knowledge to use.
I still love Same Day Surgery as well but because it is conducive to my family life. My boss is wonderful and so are my coworkers. They tolerate me well and I so appreciate them!
I love adding the title PACU nurse to my resume because I love the challenge and taking care of the patients. I love the staff that mostly have been there since I attended LPN school in 2004. Just wanted to share the new thrills in my life and praise the Lord for a new opportunity to minister to a new group of people.

RN? really? are you sure?

2008-07-19T07:22:00.000-07:00

I received something in the mail yesterday that had my full name and RN at the end. I read the reports of others in my patients charts where they've written my name and RN at the end of it. I have dreamt of these days literally for years. So now that I'm here, it still feels like someone else's reality.
I remember looking up to RN's so much...I had a reverence for them and an almost awe because they seemed so much bigger than me. I used to watch the new RN's in their new green scrubs and my heart ached because I couldn't wait for it to be me! So now it is and I'm still...just....me. Please don't misunderstand...I am so thankful for my achievements and give the Lord all the honor and glory. I love ironing my new scrubs that I've spent the last 3 years yearning to wear and now they're mine. I got a thrill out of hearing my grandad say, "so you're a registered nurse now huh?". Yea buddy!!
But the pedestal isn't real. It doesn't exist. Yes, I've learned a lot the last 4 years of my journey but my heart is still mine and I use it for the Lord. I want to take this gift and use it to affect others and their souls. One cannot be on a pedestal looking down at others expecting to make a difference.
Although I never want to lose the thrill of what He's allowed me to become, I also never want to abuse the privilege of that position. I want to be trustworthy and able to care for each patient who comes my way. I will do that through HIS strength and knowledge not my own. Each patient is an opportunity to let HIS light shine through me. It is an opportunity to show as believers, as a daughter or the King first, that each patient matters to HIM, no matter their outward appearance.
Thank you, Lord, for your hand on my life. Thank you for showing me the way and I continue to pray for that even now. I want to use my nursing license for YOUR honor and to bring souls to a saving knowledge of my Jesus. I will use the knowledge you have given me to pray in detail for those who are sick and afflicted. You are their Creator down to the cell and I will pray down to the cell for each one you bring across my path.
So yes, it's really true. Wendy Glosser, RN is mine. Thank you, Jesus!!

Mentorship

2008-07-16T04:50:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure how long ago, maybe 6 months or so, we had a new nurse arrive to SDS. Our unit is unique because we work very closely together so your hopes are that she will feel comfortable with you and you with her. I do take responsibility in my part in that and try to make every new person feel welcome because it has been done for me.
This nurse, SH, has become a gem, a type of lifeline to me. She has 15 years of nursing experience all over the place. Her demeanor is always calm and collected which is a great example for this Type A personality.
When it was time to take my NCLEX in May, she spoke nothing but encouraging words to me, trying to convince me I had nothing to worry about. Every time we work together (which I love), she teaches me something new. She also always encourages me pointing out what I had done well. She also encourages me when I become discouraged by a patient's behavior. She reminded me just yesterday that when a person is miserable on a daily basis, their behavior is going to reflect that towards me and I cannot take it personal. Good call S! I do give it my all and I do try to do my very best for each patient. But I cannot change any patient and there are days that nothing I do will be enough.
When I graduated school, she blessed me with a gift I will treasure until I pass it onto the next nurse graduate I know. It was a beautiful RN gold charm that goes on a necklace. It was given to her by her mentor 15 years ago. She was afraid I would be offended by it when I was quite the opposite.
I try to thank her daily for all she does for me. I feel at peace when I know she is on the floor because although I do well at SDS every day post ops, there are times I need her critical care experience.
She has inspired me as well to be that to someone else. To take the time to encourage and teach and befriend new nurses or nurse interns. I want them to feel like they can do anything. Just like S has me convinced I can!

A new adventure

2008-07-15T04:58:00.000-07:00

I've had the privilege of working in Same Day Surgery for 3 years as an LPN and have LOVED it. It was so clearly a God thing in my life because when I was placed there, LPN's didn't work on the floor. Through my time there I have learned so much about independence and leadership and needing confidence when dealing with doctors. I have learned the importance of teamwork and how miserable nursing is without it because it is so hard otherwise. I've learned not one nurse knows it all but when we put our minds together, we are brilliant!
Ever since LPN school in 2004 and my 3 weeks in the OR, the OR was where my heart was however, having a family is not conducive to the long hours and nights, taking call, etc. Same Day Surgery was second best because I got to care for the patients from OR pre and post op.
Now that I'm an RN, the opportunities are endless and I'm just now waking up to that. I do NOT say that with haughtiness but my new position does give me more freedom to choose where I want to be.
I have never stopped loving Same Day Surgery however, I love learning all aspects of nursing and learning new things to help me gain confidence. A Saturday only 10 hour shift has come open in the OR in the recovery room and with the blessing of my boss and husband and co workers, I'm going to give it a try. I'm so excited because there is so much to learn but I love the OR! That has never gone away. And the crew I'll be working with on Saturday are incredible nurses. There is no call. I only work 8-6:30. That's it!
I'm sure there will be more to share later.

Still Dreamcatchin

2008-07-12T21:10:00.000-07:00

So I finally have the time to write in my blog. I noticed my last post was in June of 2005. A little over 3 years later and I'm still dreamcatchin! Just about 6 weeks ago, the Lord blessed me with my registered nurse license. I'm still waiting to feel like a RN that somehow the new green scrubs will make me feel different but it hasn't happened yet!
I wish I could've been writing the moment I found out because it was an AMAZING day! It is up there in my top five greatest days of my lifetime. Imagine, taking the very test that every moment up to that point was the reason...and then waiting less than 24 hours to find out the results. The moment I hung up the phone, I got on my knees and thanked the Lord for His blessings. I could have not done any of this without Him. I've actually irritated people saying that but I mean it!
Now that I've achieved the very moment I've worked my entire adult life for, what is next? As much as I love what I do, I still love being home more than anything. I will concentrate on Alex and his homeschooling. My husband will be training for the ministry soon and I have been called to be his helpmeet, another huge desire of my heart. I am also praying that the Lord would show me the path to take with my nursing. It would be so easy to get caught up in the financial aspect of it but I need to focus now on souls more than ever.
I have so much more to write but need to close for now. Tomorrow is church and I look so forward to that day of the week. I try to put the cares of my world aside and take in every Word the Lord gives me.
I have been given so much because of the death of my Jesus. I just wish others would grasp their blessings as well.

Loving my life

2005-06-08T06:12:00.000-07:00

I've been a licensed nurse now for over 2 months and LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT. My husband bought me a really nice pair of Nike Shox tennis shoes that unfortunately cost a lot of money but I have not hurt since. They help my whole body so much, especially my back!
I am learning something new everyday on my job still but do pretty well also. Thank the Lord! I have a great staff who is willing to help me along the way. I did a blood transfusion last night. Daunting, yes, but exciting because it's something new! Oh and a foley catheter on a male. Piece of cake! I never ever enjoy hurting a patient but he had not urinated in over 12 hours and his bladder was hard as a rock and distended. And he's sooo sweet. I took care of his wife a year ago in the nursing home. He's so confused but still has the best smile in the house.
I have another patient who out of the blue started acting reallllllly weird. His face was gaunt, he was tremoring, and his pupils are dilated. Telltale signs of drug use but of course we cannot pinpoint what it is. He actually fell outside on the night shift. He insists on going outside to smoke. Hmmmm...wonder what else he is getting outside. I am so naive and trusting, of course my first thought was a bad drug reaction or low blood sugar...the rest of the staff thinks otherwise. The doc knows now. And I annotate every detail of my shift with him.
Am I still dreaming?? Has anyone tried pinching me yet? I hope not because I love being a nurse. Thank you Lord, sooo much for allowing this in my life.

Bubble Gum and death

2005-05-17T13:25:00.000-07:00

Another mission accomplished. My other patient, a man who is in his middle 50s but looks about 80 is constantly chewing bubble gum. I always feel bad interrupting his gum chewing and we all know gum just isn't the same when it has to sit outside your mouth for a few minutes. Thank the Lord for dollar stores!! I got him a huge bag that should hold him over for a few days. In exchange for the bag of bubble gum, my adorable friend will be losing a leg this week. It's black and odorous and his skin is tight as a drum-like nothing I've ever seen. But his smile, ohhhh it brings joy to my sad thoughts.
The lady who I just knew would recover because I took the time to fight for her to have a walker is gone. She went home to be with the Lord. She told a fellow believer that I work with that all is well with the Lord. I pray that is true.
I struggle because I can sense when someone may not be leaving our floor, ever, and I want so badly to talk to them about the Lord, to come out and question their eternal destination but often faced with the question, "if you were to die today, do you know where you would go?" brings about fear and trepidation. More than once, I've heard, "do you know something I don't know?" So my new way of bringing it up is to ask about their home church. If there isn't one, to go ahead and invite them to mine which is often an open door for questions or comments and an avenue to witness to them the Gospel of my dear Savior.
My dream still scares me, I never know what my shift will hold, but I am confident that I belong there and that the Lord will always give me His wisdom when I ask--I always ask, I'm not that smart on my own!! I also have learned I can only be one place at a time and to calm down when it gets hairy-which it does-but to prioritize. I can do ALL THINGS through Christ which strengthens me--especially being a nurse! I still get a thrill putting on my blue scrubs, sticking on my badge, and throwing my stethoscope around my neck. SOMEBODY PINCH ME!!

Tears and Green Onions

2005-05-04T08:00:00.000-07:00

I cried on my way home from work last night. Can I truly do this job? I have my doubts as I am constantly in "cheerleader mode", telling myself I can do it! People do it daily! But details are NOT my strong point and details, or lack of details, can kill a patient. Ummm, not so interested in that. I also cried for the dear lady who not only has breast cancer but a flesh eating kind that has also mestasticized to her spine, liver, and lungs. A miracle that will be when God brings healing to her body. I wanted to get back to her to speak to her and hold her hand, but afraid I would fall apart. I was that family member who was told about the cancer that is all over....and just yesterday, our life was normal. Now I see her family and look into their eyes and see "the look". Gut wrenching, wall punching, I hate life and you too right now, sadness in their eyes. I just wanted to hug them. And I wanted to cry for them too. But I will pray and expect another miracle.
My other patient, the one in terrible kidney failure, wants green onions. Bless her heart...she shared a vision with me of what would make her eat again. So I'm on a mission today...to find our dear friend some green onions! She smiled so big when I told her. What a blessing it is to share in these people's lives, whether they are with us mentally or not, no matter what their physical ailments are, they become a part of my heart instantly.
One last side note which isn't a side note, but one I am avoiding. I am on my own. No more Abby. I look at the example Abby has been to me the last month and thank the Lord for his goodness. She made me feel safe and so comfortable to ask questions. She was my cheerleader, always sharing her faults. Like she has any right? Abby is moving to GA. oh and Andy is leaving too. But I am loyal and committed and will gut it out for a season to make sure it is for me because in my heart, I want to be at Skilled Nursing....but my brain, oy vey! Needs to slow down and pay closer attention.

The Reality of my Dream

2005-05-03T05:55:00.000-07:00

Reality is this....that not all my patients are going to get well and go home. You know that in your head but when a patient who was improving so much last week, is non responsive this morning, it is devastating to my heart. Another patient I had last week, a young woman in her 40's with a heart for the Lord, found out yesterday she has breast cancer. I allow myself to love these people because all I do is for HIM. I have to love them to do my job. So it hurts when their situation deteriorates. And they've told you how badly they want to get well and go home. That's when I start praying. But if they know the Lord, why do we pray for people to stay behind? How selfish are we to keep them on this sinful earth? Because death is against our flesh...God did not create us to die so we balk at it. Another patient of mine, is in kidney failure so badly that it is affecting her heart....but her smile...lightens a room so big. She is a blessing to me. All my patients are...they don't realize how important they are to me...what a huge part of my dream they become as soon as we exchange the first hello.
Oh on a side note, we have a Down's Syndrome patient in his 50's I think. His name is Gary. He is combative. But he loves chocolate pudding. "Mmmmm" he says at its taste. "Get out of here!" he says. I just tease with him and tickle him and throw him kisses. He threw me one back! His tongue struggles with the food he is given. All because of one chromosone out of wack in his body. But his smile? So big and beautiful even when his frail body is not.

Scared of the dream

2005-05-03T05:47:00.000-07:00

Ugh, within the first 30 minutes of my shift last evening, I made a med error on a patient. I wanted to quit. But having some integrity (but don't think I wasn't tempted to not tell anyone), I let the powers that be know of it..even the doc knew and it was no big deal to him. WHAT IF I HAD KILLED THIS PATIENT?? Oh, it's called paying attention to details. It is my prayer that I use this for good, to learn to pay attention to every little detail. There is so much pressure on getting meds out on time. If that person was at home, do you think it would be an issue? Most people do it this way, including me....you get up, you take your pills, you're going to bed, you take your pills. The time is not a factor at home. But we are a government ruled institution with all their rules and regs. I better get used to it. And the paperwork and charting on each patient because we are now a sue happy generation is enormous and it's all to cover our butts to let the courts know we did our jobs. :: sigh:: But every shift I work, I do my job right to the best of my natural ability and the rest goes to the Lord. I believe all my ability is from Him anyway because I'm an idiot all by myself. My charge nurse asked me, "did you learn a lesson?" Uhhhhh, YEA! We'll see.....

Runaway Bride

2005-05-01T13:52:00.000-07:00

Of course I was weeping with the parents and fiance over the loss of this lady, literally praying God would bring her back to her family. My heart always aches so badly until the person is found. I am thankful she was found but honestly, devastated at her selfishness. We live in a society of "me me me" and it gets on my last nerve! yes, it's a struggle of mine also! But after figuring out what God did for me through His Son Jesus, I never want to do anything out of His will again. Ditching your scared and hurting family is NOT His will.
But we serve a forgiving God who is full of mercy and grace so we should forgive her also. I don't want to though! My flesh wants to scream at her! But my Spirit tells me otherwise.

Happy Birthday Donna Mae Mitsch

2005-04-30T05:10:00.000-07:00

Today is the birthday of one of my lifelong dearest friends who will never understand how much she means to me and how much the Lord has used her in my life over the years. I am so grateful for her and want everyone to take a moment and celebrate this dear woman's life! I have not physically been in her presence since 1994 and miss her terribly! Thank the Lord for email and telephones and of course, good ol' snail mail.

Happy Birthday dear lady!

Living my Dream-at last

2005-04-30T04:54:00.000-07:00

Hmmmm, I think I'm beginning to feel like a nurse! LOL it's not because of the heaviness of my stethoscope around my neck after half my shift, but the ability to make decisions for my patients that help them to improve and go home. What a great feeling that is, to be an advocate for those people, some who have nobody! Oh but the fear of failing, of affecting a life, is the heaviest. I am learning to slow down and take my time, even when I'm in a hurry. I'm learning priorities, what's life threatening, what's important, and what can wait.
I look so forward to every shift but attend to it with fear and tripidation. I am told that never goes away. I had a shift the other night that was non-stop and I cannot explain why I did not fall apart. I did a blood transfusion for the first time and then that patient had a reaction to the blood-GREAT! I had two IV's that decided to infiltrate which means sticking the patient AGAIN. As much as I love the experience, I do not love hurting them. All this and I still had to hang some IV meds and give a bunch of PO meds on time. I did it without falling apart! We're going to give God the glory for that one!
My family is my support system, enduring my evening shifts without complaint. I know it can't be easy for them. My body is adjusting because now on my days off, I cannot get to sleep before midnight most of the time! That cracks me up!
Anyway, thank you Lord for giving me this amazing opportunity to fulfill my lifelong dream and to make a difference. It is all for you, dear Lord. It is always my prayer that I honor you in all my ways.

Adjusting to a dream

2005-04-21T07:34:00.000-07:00

All I've ever wanted to be my entire life that I can remember is a nurse. Not rich. Not famous. Just a nurse. And now that I have achieved that amazing dream, I am exhausted! LOL I still love every second of what I do...there is so much diversity in my job....but I'm on my feet most of the time (8-9hours) and at 35 years old, I am not in that great of shape. That is my fault, I realize that and do intend to get back into the gym. Nursing school killed that one for about 6 months but now i have no excuse except that I'm tired! It's a vicious cycle to get into and I have to stop it. Now that my mom lives in the area and I am her guardian, she takes up some of my time as well, but I wouldn't have that any other way. If anything, being a nurse has taught me to take better care of her and to become more of an advocate for her health. It's a dream/prayer answered that she is here with us.
I recently ran across Rosie O'Donnell's blog. I always enjoyed her sense of humor so much and always sensed that perhaps she was gay but kept quiet about it for years. According to the Bible, there is not a sin greater than another sin, sin is sin is sin. I am not saying being gay is ok...according to the Bible it is not...but there is so much more in the Bible about how God loves ALL so much that He sent His son Jesus to die for ALL. I wish born again believers would just learn to love, period. We will never in our humanity wipe away sin, Jesus came to do just that!!! Love like He did and the world would be a much better place. Oh how my heart yearns for the day for His return. Am I truly ready? Some days ...most days I doubt it. But I sincerely love Him. Sincerely strive to please Him. Struggle with my own sin daily. (and if the world could glimpse into my heart for just a second, I would be stoned to death!) And Rosie loves children! So do I!! What a great common ground!
My husband's knee surgery went VERY WELL. We are so blessed that God gave us a good surgeon and praying friends! I am so excited for him! He returns to work today! Now if we could only get his ear drum to heal.
I will return soon. I need to be more about current events. Speaking of which, I am not Catholic but one cannot help but notice we have a new Pope. It sounds lame but I told my husband, it's just so WEIRD to see someone new as the Pope. I do believe he has a political agenda but who doesn't these days? I would love to see his actions match the words he has shared with us already. That would be something new....

Finally a Nurse! Almost!

2005-02-16T03:27:00.000-08:00

It's been awhile since my last post. I was fervently finishing up nursing school. I am done, praise the Lord! It was a beautiful ceremony on Feb. 10th. Now I'm trying to get back into the swing of things with my family but that is more difficult than I thought it would be with so much catching up errands to take care of! My husband got a hole in his eardrum yesterday. OUCH. I also have been studying for my NCLEX exam sometime soon! I have a long way to go though. There is much I did not learn in school that may be covered on the exam. YIKES! My boys are very happy I am done with school-me too for that matter but I miss my classmates like crazy! We recently joined a new church. I really enjoy the preaching but I have reservations about it and not sure where those are coming from. Perhaps from the painful ordeal we dealt with at our old church. The sin continues to snowball and hurt people. I will close for now..am hoping to return more often. God is so very good and I wish the whole world believed that.

2005-01-02T05:31:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas from the Glosser family!

2005-01-02T04:12:00.000-08:00

Christmas 2004 with the loves of my life.

Happy New Year

2005-01-02T04:03:00.000-08:00

I'm celebrating the new year by creating my own blog. I have always loved to write, since I was a little girl so what a perfect way to relieve stress! I realize the new year is man's time and not necessarily God's time so I don't really bother with resolutions. I am constantly trying to evaluate if I'm pleasing to God and of course the answer is never yes! I have sooo many blessings...my husband who is one of the kindest people I know..my children who are sooo loving and sweet and patient with us...dear sweet friends from long ago and recently...the ability to pursue my dream of nursing..and most important than them all, is that I am forgiven by God through the shed blood of Jesus. That kind of love is still difficult for me to comprehend and I realize in my humanity will always be...but I do look forward to that perfect love in my life every day forever.