What they absolutely cannot teach you in Nursing School

I've wanted to blog about this since it happened but would not have been able to through the sobbing. What I didn't know was that your body and mind never truly grasps the severity of a situation. At least was the case for me. I never let go of hope. Never. In spite of 4 doctors standing in the room, a BP of 55/40, a new mother via c-section whose body was doing things I never sincerely imagined possible and live and yet I never accepted what could be. I just stood by her side praying. Watching every move every physician made and every other experienced medical person in the room. I did what I was told but mostly stood by her side monitoring the numbers and monitoring her. I couldn't cry but I wanted to. Our bodies are AMAZING. I never ever felt hungry in spite of not eating for many hours. I stood on my feet for 4 hours and it only started to bother me at the very end when she was stabilizing. I had an amazing physical strength to do what I was told for that entire 4 hours. To go where my legs needed me to go.
There was one moment when I breathed a bit deeper truly believing she was stabilizing and all would be well. I think we all did yet nobody was willing to leave the room. Then one last push on her fundus and it was over.....no more waiting. She would have to go back to the OR. Surgery is hard on a healthy body yet the hope never waivered and the prayers never stopped. I prayed for every detail I could think of. All the while standing next to the nurse anesthetists (yes two) and monitoring her fluids. My mind remained clear and focused as I moved in slow motion (at least in MY mind) amongst those around me who certainly knew what they were doing. "How did I get here?" I allowed myself to ask once. Only once because I had a job to do whether I wanted to be there or not. I did recognize it was an awful place to be for each of us, including especially her. My mind kept going back to her family and worrying about them worrying about her. I knew they were praying too. As the situation declined to a terrible level, I still wasn't willing to give up. I knew she wouldn't want to give up either. I kept fighting for her at the Throne of our Heavenly Father. The same ONE AND ONLY we both believed in.
The outcome is a miracle and OF COURSE I have tears as I type this. My body is still trying to get over all that happened that I cannot write about....so many horrible details that would help explain the tears. They cannot teach you in nursing school how to get over this. They cannot teach you how to stop the tears because the very heart that cries is the very heart that cares for the sick patient.
I'll never be the same again. It was one of those life changing moments that will never be forgotten and I've been told, thankfully, I will probably never have to experience again in my lifetime if we go by the odds.
Life is so precious and is not ours to give or to take. I cannot seem to get that through to others...how in one second it can all be over. It makes me want to scream but I won't. I know and will adjust my life accordingly.
I'm very very blessed to report I got to hold her hand and speak to her the next day. She is alive. Her body will heal. She told me thank you but sincerely, I cannot take credit. I've never seen such teamwork in action in my life. Everyone was willing to do what was needed. People made themselves available who should've gone home hours before. I was a smidgen of her care. I was allowed to be an instrument of prayer and supplication. So I'm going to let the tears fall as long as they need to for me to get past this. I am going to continue to give God the praise. And with confidence, I know I am here because it is where the Lord wants me to be.